Idle Speculation
by generalzoi
Summary: A short scene wherein Ruffnut is a perv and Astrid sticks her foot in her mouth.


"Do you think the boys fool around?"

Astrid looked up from her ax (perfectly sharp as always, but it never hurt to check) at Ruffnut. They were sitting on a large, flat rock near the outskirts of town, alternately chatting and just sitting companionably in silence. Apparently Ruffnut wanted to start the conversation again, but Astrid wasn't sure what she meant. Did the boys fool around when they didn't have anything else to do? (Of course.) When they should be doing work instead? (Yes, sometimes.) She opened her mouth to ask for clarification, then saw the wicked grin on Ruffnut's face, and the leering quality in her eyes. Ah. _That_ kind of 'fooling around.'

"You mean, all of them together?" Astrid asked instead, because there were multiple iterations of "the boys" and Odin only knew what Ruffnut was thinking of.

"Ah, there's an idea," Ruffnut said, and her expression got downright dreamy. Astrid rolled her eyes, and not for the first time wondered what went on inside her best friend's head. She was into the strangest things. Astrid couldn't even imagine how that would work, just the schematics of it. They'd have to work out who did what, and to whom, and in what position...

A few minutes later she shook her head and looked back at Ruffnut. "I don't think so."

"Huh?" Ruffnut looked as out of it as Astrid had been.

"The boys. Fooling around together. I don't think they do. At least I haven't noticed anything from Hiccup. Although I'm not sure why you thought that in the first place."

"Oh." Ruffnut seemed to come to her senses, as much as she ever did. "Hiccup's not coming home covered in strange fluids then? Oh well," she said, and laughed at the look on Astrid's face. "I wasn't talking about him anyway. I was thinking about Tuff and Lout."

"You..." Astrid trailed off and mentally reviewed the conversation, to make sure she was on the right track. "You want to know if I think Snotlout and your brother fool around?" Ruffnut nodded, and predatory gleam back in her eyes. "With each other?" Another nod. "Why...where did this come from?" A thought suddenly occurred to her. "Did you -- have you seen them? Together?"

"Naw, nothing like that," Ruffnut said easily, leaning back on her hands. "I was just wondering, you know. What you thought. 'Cause I think it could totally happen."

"Yeah, no." Astrid shook her head. "You cannot be serious."

"I'm completely serious! Just think about it! It's like the six of us, right, and we have this special little group." Ruffnut was getting animated now, like she always did when she got absorbed in an argument. "The first dragon riders or whatever. That's us. And you and Hiccup have been together, like, forever, so you're out of the picture. And now I've got my fat man," she slapped her hands on her own stomach to make the point, and Astrid laughed despite herself, "so that's two more of us down."

"You have got to stop calling him that," Astrid said.

Ruffnut waved her hand dismissively. "Nah, he loves it." There wasn't much Astrid could say to that, since it was probably true. Fishlegs seemed to love any attention Ruffnut game him, even when it was borderline abusive. "Anyway, that just leaves Tuff and Lout. They _have_ to be getting it on."

"Ruff, I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not the only six people in the village. Some of the other people are even female. And single!" Astrid rolled her eyes again and turned back to her ax.

"Yeah, but the six of us, we have this special connection, you know? This, this camaraderie, that they're not going to find anywhere else."

"I'm not sure camaraderie's their first priority in the bedroom."

"I'm just saying, it's good when we're all together. Isn't it?" Ruffnut was earnest now, her voice almost pleading Astrid to see her point. "What you and Hiccup have, it's good, isn't it? It'd have to be, to last this long."

Astrid couldn't help smiling, and nodded. Good didn't begin to cover it.

"Right," Ruffnut continued, looking happy the other girl was catching on. "And it's good between me and Fishlegs. By Thor, it's great! It's so much better than it was with anyone else." She looked almost tender now, and it was sweet, if not a little scary. Neither of the twins were really made for sweet or tender.

"I think that's because you love him," Astrid pointed out gently.

Ruffnut just grunted a bit, not in disagreement, but more in a 'Yeah, and so what?' kind of way. "Well, it makes sense. Like, symmetry-wise, anyway. Three on three. It fits. Just sayin'."

"And _I'm_ just sayin' that both Tuffnut and Snotlout take girls home from the tavern way too often for them to need to take some kind of solace in each other," Astrid said, and it was her turn to laugh at the look on Ruffnut's face.

"Oh, gross. Like my brother could pick up a girl."

Astrid shook her head, still chuckling. "Just because you like pretending your brother doesn't have a sex life doesn't mean he doesn't really have one."

Ruffnut actually sniffed at that. "Maybe I just want to believe better of my own gender. And I believe my brother's got a sex life. What do you think we've been talking about?"

"I have no idea what we're talking about. Or why we're talking about it. Seriously, where do you come up with this stuff?"

Ruffnut shrugged, and fell silent for just long enough that Astrid thought the subject had been exhausted. Then she said, "I bet Tuffnut totally bottoms."

Astrid abandoned the ax and buried her face in her hands as Ruffnut cackled wildly next to her. "Oh gods," she muttered into her palms. "By all the gods, Ruffnut, tell me this whole conversation wasn't an excuse to imagine your brother being dominated."

"Not _all _of it," Ruffnut chortled.

Astrid dropped her hands to glare at Ruff. "You have problems. No, really. I don't know why in Freyr's name I hang out with you."

"When he's not here to mock in person, I have to mock him behind his back." When Astrid pointedly picked up her ax and started sharpening it again, Ruffnut reached out and patted her leg. "Oh, come on. You know you can see it."

"No thanks, really. I think I'll leave that sick little fantasy inside your head."

Ruffnut wrinkled her nose in disgust. "It's not a fantasy. This is my brother we're talking about. It's just a thought."

"Well Snotlout and Tuffnut don't _do that_, so there's not much point in thinking about it, is there?" Ruffnut shrugged again and crossed her arms, looking mildly put out. Astrid ran the whetstone over the blade a couple more times, then said, with deliberate casualness, "But in some alternate universe where they do, then yes, Tuff totally bottoms."

This time Ruffnut shrieked with laughter, clapping both hands over her mouth and kicking her legs wildly. Astrid kept up the casual facade for about another half-second, then doubled over giggling uncontrollably. "I knew it!" Ruffnut exclaimed. "You can so see it."

"Only because you brought it up!" Astrid gasped. She was laughing so hard it was difficult to breath, and she concentrated on calming down. "Oh, gods..."

Then she heard: "Ladies!"

Both girls whirled around. Astrid saw, to her great horror and Ruffnut's no doubt immense delight, Snotlout and Tuffnut heading for them. She open and closed her mouth uselessly a few times, trying unsuccessfully to think of anything but Lout on top of Tuff. Next to her, Ruffnut was trying so hard to force down her laughter it sounded like she was choking.

The boys didn't seem to notice anything was amiss. "So," Snotlout said, brash and bold as always, "what are you two talking about?"

Ruffnut opened her mouth, and Astrid, suddenly afraid she would actually tell the truth, blurted out, "Roosters!"

All three stopped and stared at her. "You were talking about roosters?" Snotlout asked.

"Um, yes?" she offered.

"Roosters?" Ruffnut asked. Then her eyes went wide, her mouth dropped open, and Astrid knew instantly the connection she had just made in her head, because Astrid had just made it too. Ruffnut started laughing again, and Astrid wanted to climb down a hole. "We were talking about...roosters..." Ruffnut wheezed, then gave up on talking and just laughed.

The boys looked at each other. "Like, you want to eat one?" Tuffnut asked cautiously.

Oh, One-Eyed Odin. Astrid buried her face in her hands and groaned, and Ruffnut started to literally choke and spasm like she was having a seizure. Good. Maybe she'd die and Astrid would never have to think about this embarrassment again. Tuffnut and Snotlout apparently decided to beat a hasty retreat, because when Astrid looked up again they were gone and Ruffnut was finally calming down, or maybe had just exhausted herself.

"Gods," Astrid groaned, "I can't believe I said 'rooster.'"

"Well we kinda were," Ruffnut pointed out.

"I was just worried about what you were going to say!"

"Me? I was just going to say 'None of your business, terror breath,' or something like that."

Astrid groaned again and smacked herself on the forehead. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"That was amazing," Ruffnut chuckled, and finally sighed as the last laugh worked its way out of her system. She fell back so that she was lying on the rock, and reach out to pat Astrid's thigh familiarly. "Oh, Astrid, I think I love you. Don't tell Hiccup."

"It won't be a problem, because I'm pretty sure I hate you."

Ruffnut just shrugged happily, then linked her hands behind her head and watched the clouds. After a few seconds, Astrid joined her.


End file.
